Madonna Eats Babies?

In an obvious attempt to mask her utter lack of talent, Madonna has admitted that she feeds on the flesh of living infants.

Our correspondents in Malawi report that Madge is known to flit from house to house in the darkness, stealing and eating any babies that she finds. Using her well-known mania for ethnic adoption as a cover, the singer examines the local children, selecting only the tenderest and most delicious as her prey.

The Hard Candy star is up-front about her habit.
"Don't be fooled by the fact that I've been nominated for 29 Grammies, or that I've won seven of them," said the best-selling American artist of 2009 in a phone interview. "Underneath it all, I'm a talentless hack. The only way I can hope to keep duping the public with multi-platinum singles is by eating babies -- countless babies -- thereby consuming their souls and adding to my own dark powers."

The cannibalistic chanteuse demonstrated her sorcerous talents by causing two French workers to be killed and seven more to be injured during the construction of a set for her upcoming concert in Marseille.

"That's what you get for associating with me," said Madonna. "My black arts are so strong they just sort of bleed over into the rest of my life. They totally make up for my lack of skill in any other areas. Baby drumstick, anyone?"